


Expect More. Pay Less.

by theSinTin



Series: Terrible Customers [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Hux doesn't have time for his shit, I'm so sorry, Kylo Ren is a child, M/M, Target AU, bathroom blowjobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 08:55:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7164359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theSinTin/pseuds/theSinTin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Target Au. Where Kylo Ren and General Hux go to Target and are literally the worst customers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so. This is the first time I've written a fanfic and posted it in 6 years. If the summary didn't already give it away, it's crack. Very much crack. I work at a Target and I spend most of my day imagining ways these two would be shitty customers.

Hux tried to calm his breathing. He took a deep breath, held it for a few seconds, then exhaled. Deep breathing exercises were easier in theory to help calm his nerves. But they didn’t seem to work this time.

Hux opened his eyes, staring at the destroyed control panel. The classic soldering marks of a lightsaber were painting the display, still some smoke emitted from the cuts. 

This wasn’t something Hux was necessarily unfamiliar with. But it made this no less easy for him to take in.

“Ren…” Hux mumbled to himself, dragging a hand down his face. 

“You called?” came a voice from behind Hux.

The ginger man made no obvious movement of surprise, instead he turned on heel to face the man responsible for the damages done. Turning face to face with Kylo Ren.

“So what was the issue this time?” Hux spoke with restrained annoyance. “Stormtroopers thinking snide remarks of your little get up again?” Hux mocked, “Or did someone on the holonet make a rude comment on one of your videos?”

Ren’s mask hid his facial reactions at the very least, but even his voice distorter couldn't hide his annoyance. “That's not of your concern, General.”

“Oh, but Ren.” Hux spoke, annoyance slipping out much easier as he spoke, “It becomes my concern, when your little temper tantrums end in destroying parts of my ship.” Hux glared at Ren, trying his best to peer through the slit of his mask. Ren said nothing in response, so Hux continued. “Do you realize how inconvenient these repairs are on everyone aboard this ship? Because, surely, if you did, you wouldn't take such great efforts to pick just the absolute worst spots to destroy. We’re going to have to make another emergency supplies detour just to repair this. Which will take time from our already busy schedule in-”

“I will get the supplies,” Ren interrupted, “Just, stop talking and I’ll get whatever we need.”

“You’ll hardly know the items we require, Ren.” Hux shot back. “They’re going to be very specific and-”

“Then give me a detailed list,” Ren once again interrupted. Before he paused, then sighing, his voice distorter making it further sound dejected. “Or maybe you can join me-”

“If it is so necessary,” Hux spoke, cutting Ren off for once. “We’ll be leaving within the hour. I assume we will be taking your shuttle? I will be ready 15 minutes prior.” Hux nodded this information to Ren, before turning to leave the room.

Ren huffed silently to himself. Honestly, Ren didn't have to be a mind reader to see that Hux mostly wanted to make an emergency supplies trip, but just needed a reason to go. But, Ren needed to pick up a few things himself. So, this should do both of them some good, right?

\-----------------

The shuttle began its descent to the ground, Ren looking out the window. Target. They were at a Target.

“Hux.” he spoke, having removed the mask at this point, voice undistorted for once. He still wore his usual garb, but figured the mask would be unnecessary for a supplies run. “Why are we stopping at a Target?”

“Target carries a grain free cat food that Millicent absolutely loves,” Hux answered. “It's necessary, also, for her diet. We can also get the other items we need here.”

“You just want to use your redcard, don't you?” Ren called him out. 

“The 5% savings goes a long way, Ren.” Hux responded sharply. “And when there's a certain blade wielding lunatic who inhabits your star destroyer, you need to save any way you can.”

Ren rolled his eyes, face now exposed for Hux to see. Which Hux promptly huffed, walking towards the back of the ship. Ren turned his attention to the pilot, who had spent this time trying to find a parking spot.

“What's the hold up?” Ren asked in obvious annoyance. They could have been done with this trip by now.

“S-Sir,” the pilot started hesitantly. “There's no current parking spots large enough to fit the shuttle.”

Ren huffed, looking to the ground. The pilot was right, there was currently no spots large enough. Ren saw one that was almost large enough, pointing to it. “Go to that one.”

“Sir, there's a car parked-”

“I see the car, just take me near the ground and I'll fix it.” Ren huffed as he got ready to disembark the shuttle.

The pilot did as instructed. He hovered the shuttle just above the spot, but unable to land due to one particular car. This car was parked illegally, taking up not one, but two spots. It was parked diagonally across the line, preventing anyone room to park.

Ren opened the dock just enough for him to slide down, falling to the ground and landed on his feet. He turned to the car, examining it. It looked like almost brand new, a Ford Focus 2015 sedan from the looks. Ren almost felt bad for what he was going to do to it, but maybe after this, they'll learn to park better.

The knight ignited his lightsaber, the fire cross hilt coming to life. Ren focused his anger against this poor car, just a victim of its owner’s crimes. Before he lunged forward, using the force to back his slash. Cutting through the vehicle down in a diagonal slash. 

Then, using the force, he levitated the right half of the car up, pushing it to the left side of the other slash. Placing it down, the car fit perfectly into the space originally meant for it. Also allowing the shuttle space to land.

The pilot, having watched the show, took the obvious invitation and began its landing process. Hissing as it landed, the dock opened once again. Allowing Hux to exit the craft.   
Hux turned to the car, smoke rising from the new cuts. He made no comment directly about it, instead began to walk towards the front of the store. Ren walked to meet at Hux’s side, neither talking.

Hux only spoke as they made it past the strange red orbs that were lined up in front of the store. He spoke in a calm, almost hushed voice. “Let's get this done with before the Focus driver has to call the police.”

\--------------

Kylo and Hux walked into Target together, the strong stench of popcorn immediately hit them upon entering. Hux’s face turned to a scowl, always hating this part about his shopping experiences here. He tried to walk faster, hoping to avoid the food counter all together. Before he noticed his shopping buddy walking towards the very place he was avoiding.

“Ren.” Hux called for him, standing in place and waited.

“I just want a pretzel.” Ren responded curtly, he turned to see that Hux wasn’t following him. Ren rolled his eyes, before walking over and grabbed Hux’s hand to tug him along. “I’ll get you one if you want.”

“I don’t want to eat greasy food at a Target.” Hux complained, trying to take his hand back but Ren refused to give up. Hux just accepted it.

“Then I’ll get you a bag of chips or something.” Ren responded as they arrived to the counter. He looked at the menu above the employee’s head. The employee stared at the two, waiting to fulfil their orders so he can get back to texting whoever it was he was messaging to on the phone he still had out. “Order what you want, Hux. I’m going to be a minute.”

“I thought you just wanted a pretzel...” Hux grumbled, before looking at their chip selection. He grabbed one that sounded somewhat decent, a Parmesan Garlic kettle cooked chip bag and a bottle of water. Hux turned to Ren, who still looked at the menu.

“Can I get a hot dog?” Ren asked.

The teenager looked up from his phone, “We’re out of hotdogs.” he responded. 

“Oh, uh can I get a pretzel?” Ren asked.

“Out of those too.” 

“What about a grilled cheese?”

“Out.”

Ren looked back up to the menu, staring at it intently. Hux huffed, “Why don’t you just get a popcorn then?”

“The popcorn here upsets my stomach.” Ren complained. “What about a pizza?”

“It’ll take 7 minutes.” the teenager responded, looking at his phone again.

“Okay I want a pepperoni pizza then. And a soda.” Ren responded, looking at Hux’s choices. “That’s all you’re getting?”

“Are you seriously about to wait 7 minutes over here for a pizza?” Hux complained. “And yes, I rather not get sick off of nasty pizza and soda.”

“Yes.” Ren replied simply. When prompted, he swiped his card at the pinpad and immediately heard it start beeping angrily. Ren, in response, immediately tried to swipe it again, confused.

“You gotta put the chip in,” the teenager advised, turning around to get Ren’s soda cup.

“Okay.” Ren responded as he stuck the end of the card into the bottom of the pin pad. The machine seemed to make only an angrier sound at him.

“You’re putting the wrong end of it in,” Hux corrected him. 

“Okay,” Ren mumbled as he pulled out the card, switching it around, and inserted it back in. Before quickly removing it. The machine beeped angrily again at the removal of the card.

“For the love of,” Hux groaned, grabbing the card from Ren. “You have to leave it in there.” he explained as he shoved the card back in. Waiting for it to cycle through the prompts of “Do not remove the card, processing” until it finally said to remove the card. He yanked the card out, tossed it at Ren and grabbed his bag of chips and water. “Let’s just sit down and wait for your damn pizza.”

Ren followed Hux silently to an empty table in the dining room, crumbs still littering the surface before Hux wiped it clean with a spare napkin that he had grabbed. Hux sat down, removed his leather gloves that he still wore even on this modest outing, before opening the bag of chips and started to eat. Looking up and seeing Ren staring at him.

“Yes?” Hux asked, sounding annoyed already.

“Can I have one?” Ren asked nicely.

“You should have bought your own, instead of waiting for a pizza.” Hux replied. Before he handed one to Ren anyway.

Ren smiled, leaning forward and taking the chip from his fingers with his mouth. He chewed loudly because of the crunchy kettle cooking. He swallowed before speaking. “Those are really odd tasting.”

“Agreed.” Hux replied. Before they both went silent as they waited for Ren’s meal to come out. Kylo sipped loudly at his soda, getting up to get a refill just as his pizza came out. He quickly came back to the table with his pizza and refilled soda, and began to eat away. 

He looked up to Hux, who was the one staring now. “Do you want a slice?” Ren offered. 

“I think it’d make me sick.” Hux responded, looking away. Even if it did sound good right now.

“One bite wouldn’t hurt.” Ren offered, holding out a slice of the pizza out to Hux. The teenager did a shit job on cutting the pizza, because that slice had no pepperonis on it at all. Which actually might be better for Hux.

With that in mind, Hux decided to chance it and took the slice. Biting into it and enjoying the rare treat. He swallowed his mouthful before speaking. “Thank you.”

“No problem.” Ren smiled. He then made work on his pizza, finishing the other three slices before Hux even finished his one. They quietly cleaned their hands with napkins, got up and left their trash on the table as they went to finally begin their shopping adventure. Kylo did the courtesy of grabbing cart. He managed to grab one that had something stuck to a wheel, so every other second, it made a heavy thunk noise. Ren didn’t feel like grabbing another cart.

“First we’re going to grab Millicent’s food. Then to the hardware department to grab what we need for the console.” Hux told Ren the plan. “We’ll leave there after, should be a fairly quick trip.”

Hux walked before he realized he no longer heard the thunking noise of their cart, turning around to see that Ren had abandoned the cart at the end of an aisle. They were in the shampoo aisle. Hux rolled his eyes, walking back to their cart. Peering down the aisle, he saw Ren shopping the L’oreal shampoos and conditioners. Grabbing two bottles before he walked back to their cart. “Sorry, I’m almost out.”

Hux rolled his eyes, before they resumed their walk towards the pet food. Before the noise stopped again, Hux turning to see Ren turn into another aisle. Hux waited this time for Ren, seeing him exit the aisle with some Old Spice deodorant and what looked like a red lightsaber toothbrush. Hux gave him a look in response. “I need a new toothbrush.” Ren answered.

“So you get one made for a child?” Hux asked.

“Uh, duh. How else am I going to get one that’s shaped like a lightsaber?” Ren asked, this time he rolled his eyes. “Are we going or what?”

Hux tried his best to not show his annoyance, walking forward. They were almost to the pet supplies. Just a few more aisles. Before, the cart stopped again. Hux turning to see Ren going down yet another unscheduled aisle. This time, returning with some Seventh Generation toilet bowl cleaner. “Do I even want to know?” Hux asked.

“No.” Ren responded, placing it in the cart with his other items. 

This time, Hux put his hand on the cart so he would know when Ren stopped. They only made it two more aisles before it happened again. “Seriously?” Hux asked.

“I need more paper plates, calm down.” Ren replied, going to grab a pack of paper plates, and a box of plastic utensils. Placing them in the cart.

“Why do you even need those?” Hux asked.

“Um, I haven’t done my dishes in awhile.” he answered, almost sheepishly. 

“How long is awhile?” Hux asked.

“Three months.”

“You mean to tell me you’ve been eating off paper plates and plastic forks for three months, instead of doing your dishes?”

“I don’t tell you how to live your life.”

Hux just threw his hands up, walking towards the petcare aisles. They finally made it. Hux left the cart in the aisle with Ren, walking down to the cat’s side of hard food. He grabbed a bag of Purina Beyond Whitefish & Egg cat food, walking back to the cart and placing it in. Ren leaned casually on the cart, looking bored. Hux ignored him, going back to the aisle and grabbing several cans of the Purina Beyond wet food. Selecting the ones he knew Millicent would love. 

“You should get Millicent this.” Hux heard Ren call from the end of the aisle. He turned to see Ren holding up a box. Hux sighed, finished grabbing the cans he needed, and walked back to the cart.

Upon closer inspection, he saw it was some sort of plastic cat tree. The kind that could be combined with other parts of the same series, the one Ren was holding was a cat bed section. Hux didn’t bother looking at it for more then a second, “Ren that looks like a piece of junk.” he replied. “Put it back, she already has a cat tree.”

“But Hux,” Ren complained. “This one can be combined with other parts. They have the scratching post attachment here too, I bet she’d like it.”

“She needs no such thing, put it back.” Hux ordered, already having made up his mind. “She doesn’t need any of those toys either, put those back too.” Hux pointed in the cart, having noticed that Ren added several cat toys to Hux’s pile of things to buy.

Ren sulked as he grabbed everything, going to put them back. Or rather, by put them back, he piled them neatly on the endcap next to where their cart was. “You’re no fun.” Ren complained.

“Yeah, tell that to everyone else on the finalizer. I’m sure they’d agree.” Hux shot back. “Now to the hardware section...” he mumbled to himself. Looking around.

“Can we stop by the food? I’m low on cereal.” Ren asked. 

“Out of your Lucky Charms and Cocoa Puffs?” Hux mocked.

“Yes, and I need more Trix.” Ren responded, sounding serious.

“Sure, whatever Ren. Let’s not take all day.” Hux responded, this time pushing the cart. Ren silently lost his cart privileges for the day.

\--------

Ren proceeded to take all day in Target’s very small grocery department. Their cart was getting rather full, Hux had to move his items to the under part of the cart to make room for all of Ren’s. 

In the cart, there was several boxes of assorted cereals (including one which was specifically themed off of Darth Vader, including marshmallow pieces that were shaped like lightsabers), three boxes of Cheez-Its (also with Darth Vader on the box), several boxes of poptarts in varying flavors, a 5 pound bag of white rice, 6 boxes of Betty Crocker brownie mixes, a bag of swedish fish that looked larger than Hux’s head, a larger bag of those Parmesan Garlic chips they had earlier, a bag of pepperonis but no other fixings for a pizza, and more boxes of varying barilla pastas than what should be healthy for one man to eat. Ren had planned on adding cold items to the cart, until Hux insisted they get that last so that it nothing would melt before they made it back to the Finalizer.

Hux rested lazily against the handlebar of the cart, watching Ren fiddle on his iphone as he tried to scan the items in the cart using the Target Cartwheel app. Hux checked his own phone for the time, seeing they had already spent over two hours at Target. This was supposed to be a quick trip, Hux groaned loudly.

“Can we get going?” Hux asked, Ren adding a 48oz bottle of vegetable oil into the cart.

“Fine, but we need to stop here before we leave for the ice cream.” Ren reminded Hux. Who took control of the cart, starting to push it where he thought the hardware would be. 

The cart made the loud thumping noise, only burdened further by the heavy amount of items in the cart. Hux knew he was getting close as he started to see light bulbs and plastic storage containers.

Hux let out a pleased noise as they finally found the aisle. Finally, they were almost done.

“Hey Hux,” Ren spoke up. Ruining Hux’s mood.

“Yes?” he answered, making his annoyance known.

“I’m going to go to the toy area, just call my phone when you’re done, okay?” Ren told him.

Hux dragged a hand down his face, refusing to look at Ren. “Okay, whatever.” he answered. Maybe this was the better. He could grab the items he needed in peace. He heard Ren walk away, letting out a sigh of pleasure once again. This shouldn’t take too long.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux and Ren continue their shopping adventure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very pleased with the comments and kudos I received on the first chapter! Thank you for actually reading and enjoying my garbage. Now on with the show!

An hour later, and after having to ask a few clueless employees on where specific items were, Hux had found everything he was looking for. 

He placed the items into a hand basket he found, placing it on top of Ren’s overflowing basket of food. They could finally leave. Hux pulled out his phone, going to his recent calls list. He skipped over the several calls he had made to Snoke regarding Ren’s behavior, and finally found Ren’s name and placed the call. As he pulled the phone to his ear, he watched a mother shopping the girls’ clothing department as her child screamed nonstop in her cart, paying no mind to the screaming child at all. The scene reminded him of his relationship with Ren.

Ren didn’t pick up the phone, redirecting the call to his already full voicemail box. Hux hung up the phone, choosing to walk towards the toy department to find the manchild himself.

He walked down the aisles, looking in each one to search for the large black cladded fool playing with toys not intended for his age group. But he came up with nothing. After walking the aisles a second time, Hux instead walked to the electronics department. He found an employee, who also looked like a teenager and was also on his phone, presumably texting. Hux vaguely wondered if he was texting the food counter employee in the thought, but pushed the idea out of mind.

“Could you page someone for me?” Hux asked, catching the employee’s attention.

“Yeah, what’s the name?” the teenager asked, pulling up his walkie and calling for the ‘Operator’. 

“Kylo Ren.” Hux answered. Seeing the employee repeat the name into the walkie for the Operator to page. It didn’t take long for the announcement system to page overhead.

“Attention Target Guests. Kyle Ron, please come to the Electronics department. Kyle Ron, to Electronics.”

Close enough, Hux thought. Should get his attention.

Hux decided to busy himself, standing in front of the WiiU console and pulled up the demo they had for Splatoon. 

Hux felt a cold sensation behind him after playing a few rounds, not even needing to turn around to know who was there. “Not answering your phone, Kyle?”

“I was busy.” Ren answered, sounding huffy like he did any time someone mispronounced his name. 

“With what, may I ask?” Hux asked, leaving the demo and turned to face the man. The first thing he noticed was the new cart the man had behind him. It was completely full of toys and various other items. Hux took a closer look, grabbing a red shirt that caught his eye. When held it up, he saw that it was a Coca Cola shirt. It read, “Best Pop Ever” and had a glass bottle of coke. Only this coca cola bottle had a little red tie around the neck of the bottle. Hux turned to Ren. “Really?”

“Father’s day is in a week.” Ren answered.

“Don’t you hate your father?” Hux asked.

“The man appreciates a good pun.” Ren shrugged. And Hux rolled his eyes.

“Okay, but what’s with all this other stuff?” Hux asked, going through the basket again. He found several Darth Vader T-shirts, an Easy Bake oven and several mixes to go with it, a set of Nerf guns and a Nerf rifle, a bag of gummy bears, a tin of Pokemon cards, a rainbow colored volleyball, an Ant-Man action figure, a Monster High doll, two toy lightsabers, and a Darth Vader piggy bank. Under the cart was a box with a Darth Vader scooter.

“There’s a coupon if you buy 100 dollars worth of toys, you get 25 dollars off.” Ren answered.

“Okay but you have to buy a 100 dollars worth of toys to get that deal.” Hux pointed out. He grabbed the Nerf guns, “Why do you have these? We have real blasters on the Finalizer.”

“Uh, you can’t shoot your friends with real blasters.” Ren grumbled. “I even got you a sniper one, I thought of you on this one.”

“Okay but what’s with the Monster High doll?”

“Um, they had InvisiBilly. Do you know how rare boy Monster High dolls are?” Ren explained, “Plus he’s the only one I’m missing from ‘New Scaremester.’”

“Ugh,” Hux groaned, “And the Easy Bake oven? You’re already buying real brownie mixes, Ren.”

“My oven’s broken at home.”

“You broke your oven?” Hux asked.

“I don’t just destroy your stuff, you know.” Ren answered. 

“Why do you need toy lightsabers?” Hux moved on, grabbing the one with a blue blade. “You have a real one clipped to your belt right now.”

“Again, I can’t battle with friends with a real one, Hux.” Ren answered, grabbing the one with the red blade. He swiftly swung it to the floor, extending the blade and turning on the sound effects. Holding it towards Hux in an attack stance.

Hux realized what he was doing. “No, we’re not having a lightsaber battle in the middle of Target.” Hux replied, about to put down the saber he had before Ren made a swing at his arm. 

Hux quickly dodged the attack, holding the saber defensively, looking at Ren. Who smirked at him like a cocky bastard. Hux shook his head, about to put the saber down again, before Ren made another swipe, this time hitting Hux’s arm. Hux let out a startled yelp, jumping back. It didn’t hurt, just startled him.

Ren wasn’t giving up. Hux sighed annoyed, before swinging the lightsaber towards the ground. Holding the blue blade up in an attack stance as well. Ren smiled, pointing his red toy blade at Hux’s blade. “Turn on the sound effects.”

“No, I’m not a child.” Hux answered. 

“It’s not a real battle unless you turn them on.”

“This isn’t a real battle in the first place,” Hux responded. He scowled at Ren, before feeling the cold push on his hands. A familiar feeling, one he associated with the Force. The feeling left, but the lightsaber in his hands began to make sounds as it moved. Hux looked at Ren, annoyed. “Really?”

“Have some fun for once, Hux.” Ren smiled. “If you win this fight, we’ll leave immediately. But if I win, we have to shop for new bed sheets for my bed.” Ren propositioned. “My Darth Vader ones are getting old.”

“What, just going to buy a new set of darth vader bedsheets?” Hux teased, before getting serious about this battle. He wanted to go home. If it meant he just had to battle Ren to get that, he’d take the challenge.

They were quiet for a bit, before Hux made the first move. Swinging the saber at Ren, aiming to hit his side. But he saw Ren dodge swiftly to the side, before swinging his own saber at Hux. Hux was only barely able to dodge the hard blow, hearing the wooshing noises coming from the fake blade. Hux took a step back, instead waiting for Ren to make the next move. Which, Ren didn’t hesitate, running towards him and swinging the blade down hard. Hux jumped to the left, Ren’s blade instead hitting the star wars display on the endcap, bending the cardboard back. Ren turned around to see Hux making his own downward strike at him. But Ren moved quickly and dodged it, Hux’s blade only bending the cardboard further on the display. 

Hux backed up and away from Ren, his back meeting their first cart full of food. He saw Ren walking towards him, Hux not wanting to waste any more time, swiftly jumped around the cart before pushing it hard at Ren. Ren didn’t seem to expect that, hip hitting the side of the cart, startling him. Hux made use of this distraction, bringing the blade down again, putting all his weight into it.

He hit Ren hard on the back, using all his force in the swing. Hux stared at the blade before him, seeing that the plastic of the blade wasn’t meant for an adult to fight with, bending upwards from the strike. Now unable to retreat the fake blade back into its hilt, thus rendering the toy useless.

Ren stumbled away, holding a hand to his back like it actually did some damage. He groaned in annoyance, turning to Hux. “Fuck, dude.” he groaned. 

“Let’s call that a win,” Hux said, amused. Holding the now ruined toy in his hands before dumping it into Ren’s toy cart. “Now let’s go, I can already see the employee over there calling his manager.”

Ren grumbled as he put his toy lightsaber in the cart with Hux’s. Grabbing the toy cart, he started pushing it towards the grocery department again. Hux was about to complain, before remembering Ren’s request to purchase ice cream at the end of their shopping trip. Hux could only hope this wouldn’t take too long.

\-------------

Another hour later. Hux checked his phone, knew that this store was going to be closing in two hours. Normally this would be plenty of time for them to leave, but when his shopping partner was Kylo Ren…

“Ren, what are you going to do with 5 bags of chicken nuggets?” Hux asked in a voice that could only be described as a whine. 

“Um, eat them?” Ren answered in a questionable voice.

“Okay, but 5 bags? Is this why Phasma calls you ‘Nugget’?”

“Probably.” Ren answered, grabbing a family sized bag of frozen french fries and placing it in the food cart. “We just need ice cream and we’ll be done.”

“Ren...” Hux started, catching Ren’s attention. “Okay, look. We’re not getting all of this crap.” Hux stated, motioning to the two carts packed full of useless items and junk food.

“But Hux.” Ren started. “It’s not all crap.”

“You don’t need an Easy Bake oven.” Hux stated, holding his hand out as he saw Ren about to speak, stopping him. “We’ll order you to have a new oven installed in your room. And you certainly don’t need these Pokemon cards.”

“But it’s a Xerneas Tin, Hux.” Ren whined. “I need it for my deck.”

“Buy the single card online then.” Hux shot it down. “Look, we’re going to stand in this aisle and you’re going to sort this stuff out into a cart of ‘Necessary’ items, and ‘Unnecessary’ items. I’m going to help you decide what you actually need.”

Ren groaned. “But you’re going to make me put everything back then...”

“Start sorting, we don’t have all day.” Hux said, crossing his arms.

\-----------

Half an hour later, Ren was almost done sorting. One cart was full of all the unnecessary items that Ren had picked up on his travels, including the Pokemon cards, the broken lightsabers, the Nerf guns, the Easy Bake oven, half of the boxes of pop tarts and cheez-its, the volleyball, the Ant-Man action figure, all of the t-shirts except for the one for Han, 3 of the boxes of brownie mix, and over half of the boxes of pasta. They were at the last of the items, currently fighting over the Darth Vader scooter.

“Ren,” Hux started. “You can’t even ride it, it’s designed for children.”

“Your point?” Ren responded annoyed.

“My point is that it’s a useless item for you, why do you even want it?”

“Well, Millicent is a useless item to you, but you don’t see me questioning your decisions to keep her?”

“Did you just compare to my living, breathing cat to a Darth Vader scooter?” Hux asked, fuming.

“Yes, I did. I’m buying the scooter.” Ren said, having made up his mind and shoved the scooter onto the bottom of the cart of necessary items.

“Okay, fine.” Hux threw his hands up. “But at least put the piggy bank away then.”

“Deal.” Ren responded, placing the piggy bank onto the unnecessary cart. That being the last item for them to decide on. “Are we done then?”

“Yes.” Hux replied, taking the necessary items cart and starting to push it out with them. Leaving the unnecessary items cart, full of perishable frozen items as well as useless toys, in the middle of the produce section. “No more stopping. We’re leaving.”

“I still don’t see why I couldn’t get all that stuff.” Ren huffed. “It’s my money.”

“Your money or not, you literally don’t need toys. You have a real lightsaber, we have real blasters, we don’t need them.”

Ren huffed again. “Whatever Hux. Whatever.”

Ren huffed and pouted the entire way up to the registers. Thankfully, not once did he stop to try and add anything into the cart. It was pleasant until Hux realized that since it was late at night, there was only one cashier currently working. Said cashier had a line of about 6 people with full baskets. While, Hux noticed, there were 4 self checkouts opened and no one was at them. Hux decided not to question it, moving to one of the open self checkouts and pressing the start button on the screen. 

“Welcome, please scan your item, and then place it in the bagging area.” read off the almost robotic monotone voice from the computer. 

Hux rolled his eyes, looking to Kylo. Who was still pouting, leaning against the handlebar of the cart and not moving. Hux decided to start scanning Ren’s order first, since it was the largest. He grabbed the Monster High doll first, running it over the scanner and hearing it beep. Before placing the doll into a bag. Hux grabbed the next item, trying to scan it, but heard no beep this time.

“Unexpected item in bagging area, please remove this item before continuing.” it read to Hux.

He looked at the bag, seeing just the Monster High doll in the bag. He huffed, annoyed. On the screen, there was an option. “I’m using my own bag.” Hux wasn’t using his own bag, but pressed it anyway, hoping the machine would leave him alone.

Which it thankfully did. Letting him scan the next item. He quickly bagged it, grabbing the next item to scan.

“Unexpected item in bagging area, please remove this item before continuing.” it read again. 

“Sorry,” came a voice from behind Hux, making him turn. An exasperated employee stood there, looking dead tired and like they were ready to go home. “These machines are so picky.” she said, before logging into the machine and clearing the bagging alert. She said nothing else, before walking away. Probably to try and finish her job while doing a hundred other things for customers. 

Hux continued through his order, scanning the items and bagging them. The machine giving off the same alert every three or four items. After what felt like forever, he finally made it to the end of Ren’s half of the cart. Hux was about to press finish and pay, before Ren spoke up for the first time in almost 10 minutes.

“I need to use my Cartwheel.” He said, holding his phone out to Hux. Hux rolled his eyes, but grabbed the phone and looked at it, then at the screen. Where does he scan this exactly…

“Using Cartwheel?” the employee was back to help again, never leaving too far away in case the self checkout freaked out again. Hux nodded, showing the cashier the phone. Which she didn’t touch, instead using the hand scanner that Hux was unaware the machine had, and scanned the phone for them. “Have a nice day...” the employee mumbled, almost sounding like she was on autopilot as she left them alone again.

Hux finally pressed finish and pay, the monitor pulling up a new screen. It spoke again. “How many bags?” it asked, confusing Hux. He almost counted the number of bags he had used, before he noticed that the screen was asking for how many reuseable bags he had used. He hadn’t used any, so now what?

“Press zero, and enter.” The employee called to them, not even bothering to return to the checkout to fix an easy issue. Hux did as instructed, the screen finally allowing them to pick a payment option.

Kylo took action again, going to the pin pad and swiping his card again. The machine made another angry beep, wanting the chip. Not again…

After Kylo had to be reminded how to exactly use a chip card again, the receipt finally printed, the machine instructing them to grab their items. Hux sighed, they were almost done with this horrible disaster of a shopping adventure.

Kylo grabbed his bags with ease, putting them all into the cart so that Hux could start his transaction. Once they were all moved, Hux scanned his first item and placed it in the bag. The machine immediately giving the “Unexpected item” alert. Hux turned to wait for the employee, but saw that she was busy helping another customer. Seemed that she was getting yelled at by said customer. Hux almost felt bad for her, but then he remembered that he didn’t care.

Hux tried to bypass the screen like he had done the first time, but apparently the bagging area was way too over for him to do that. He looked at the screen confused, before looking at the bagging area. Seeing, Kylo Ren sitting on the bagging area. Throwing the scale off.

“Move.” Hux growled at him, nudging Kylo with his knee. “It weighs everything there, you dumbass.”

Kylo almost growled at him back as he moved. Saying nothing, he walked over to the closing starbucks coffee counter. Leaving Hux alone to finally finish his order in peace.

It took less time to finish than the one before, Hux paid the machine using his Redcard and saved his precious 5% on the order. He silently smiled confidently to himself as it printed his receipt and he was able to place all his bags into his cart. Walking towards the front doors, Ren joined him as he was leaving. Drinking a double chocolate frapp quietly. They said nothing as they finally left this hellish store, walking towards the shuttle.

Hux had of course realized that Kylo was giving him the silent treatment. Hux almost felt bad about not letting Ren buy 9 boxes of poptarts. Before remembering that Ren had wanted to buy 9 boxes of poptarts. But still, Hux didn’t like to be ignored like this, especially not by a child like Ren.

He said nothing until he got the bags onto the shuttle, the car next to them still sat there, smoke long dissipated from it. Apparently whoever owned the car was still inside, probably that sad looking employee running the self checkouts. Her day was going to get a whole lot worse when she saw their car. 

They had found the pilot dozing off at the pilot seat, Ren about to wake him before Hux stopped him by grabbing his shoulder. “Hey,” Hux started. “I know you’re giving me the silent treatment. Are you really that mad?”

Ren sipped at his overpriced chocolate milkshake, before nodding softly. “I don’t like being told how to spend my money.”

Hux did his best not to roll his eyes. “You have to admit, you really didn’t need the Easy Bake oven, Ren.” Hux started. But he could tell that didn’t help Ren’s mood. “What could I do to make it up?” Hux asked, knowing he’d regret that question.

“...Well,” Ren started, with a pause. “Maybe there’s one thing.”

Hux looked at him, not sure what that one thing was. Until he remembered the man he was talking to. “Ugh, okay what is it you want?”

“A blow would be nice.” Ren answered, a little smirk on his lips.

“When we get back to the Finalizer, sure.” Hux responded. About to walk away to his seating arrangement on the shuttle. Before he felt the cold sensation of the Force wash over his legs, stopping him in his tracks. He wanted to complain, but Ren walked up behind him. Whispering to him softly.

“I don’t want to wait, how about somewhere, closer?” Ren spoke, Hux could hear the smirk in his voice.

Hux rolled his eyes this time. “I’m not doing that in here.”

“I’m sure the bathrooms in Target could provide enough room for such activities.” Ren suggested

“Ren, there’s no way I am going to give you a blow in the shitty bathrooms at Target.”

“Really?” Ren asked. Hand running up the small of Hux’s back, making him squirm lightly. “You sure?”

Hux was silent, biting his cheek as he didn’t want to answer this question. He couldn’t. He just, couldn’t.

\--------------

Hux and Ren entered the Target again, walking side by side. Ren seemed almost tempted to go back to the food counter, before he remembered that it was almost closing and therefore they probably had already shut down for the night. And he had bigger plans, pulling on Hux’s sleeve to drag him towards the unisex restroom of the store. He tried the handle, but found it locked.

“Oh, too bad Ren, it’s locked.” Hux said, starting to walk away. “Guess it’ll have to wait until we’re on the Finalizer.”

Ren tugged Hux back towards the restrooms, Ren opened the door to the Men’s restroom. “This should work just fine.” he told Hux, who mentally groaned as they walked in together. The room was empty, there were two stalls of the restroom and two urinals. One stall was a handicap stall, so it would provide plenty of room for the mens’ planned activities. Hux looked behind them to the door, noticing that there was no lock on the main door.

“Someone could walk in on us here, can’t we just go home?” Hux asked, once again trying to get out of this completely ridiculous idea.

“You’ll just have to be fast.” Ren answered, dragging Hux to the handicap stall. He locked it after Hux was in, Hux examining the stall. He was thankful that there wasn’t a huge mess in the stall, as he had expected with it being late in the night and employees probably had stopped caring. The restroom still had a very unpleasant odor, but hopefully he could finish this fast and they could leave.

“Let’s get this over with.” Hux said, dropping to his knees after pushing Ren’s back flush with the wall. He tried his best to not consider what was on the floor of this dingey bathroom, considering he noticed that the bathrooms hadn’t been checked since 3:30pm according to the Bathroom log on the door.

Ren seemed almost too excited for this stupid stunt, trying to hide the goofy grin his face was trying to form. Hux rolled his eyes, reaching up to Ren’s pants and undoing his belt. Starting to tug down his pants enough to expose his black boxers underneath, he noticed that Ren was already half hard. Of course he was, he had the libido of a teenage boy after all. At least that meant he didn’t have to waste time getting on with this.

Hux pulled the other man’s boxers down his hips, exposing the man’s cock to the slightly cold air of the room. Ren made a quiet groan as Hux reached his hand up to begin stroking his cock, trying to coax it to its full height. Hux at this point shouldn’t be that amazed at just how large the other man was, and yet he was. Still the largest dick he’s ever taken, he thought with a chuckle.

On to this horrible task though, Hux licked his lips before parting them to take the tip in his mouth. He rested his hands onto Ren’s hips, pulling him closer as he drew more of the length into his mouth. He ran his tongue against the bottom of his dick, hollowing out his cheeks, sucking hard, as he drew his head back. Pulling him out to run his tongue around the tip, licking up any pre that was starting to bead out of its head. He saw Ren crane his neck back, drawing a hand up to his lips and biting into his hand to muffle his whines. 

Hux ran his tongue from the base of Ren’s dick to the tip of it, before parting his lips again. He felt Ren’s free hand go to his shoulder, holding him in place. Ren thankfully knew better than to grab his hair. Hux went on, sucking hard at the man’s oversized dick, drawing more of him in until it hit the back of his throat. Hux then swallowing around him to draw more of him in, reaching the base of Ren’s dick before pulling off again.

He repeated the action, only gagging a few times. Ren tapped his shoulder, Hux knowing that to be his sign that he’s about to come. Hux thankful that this was going to be over quickly, prepared for the mouthful he was about to get.

Before he heard the sound of the bathroom door opening.

Hux panicked, pulling off of Ren’s dick with a slick pop noise. Ren unable to stop himself, finally came. Muffling his cry, but bucked his hips as he came all over Hux’s face. Hux wanted to cry in surprise, stopping himself as he knew someone else was in the room with them. Feeling the warm slick on his face, Hux made a disgusted face. Glaring up at Ren who looked just as mortified.

They both quieted, only having heard the man step into the restroom. They waited, not sure if they should move or not. Before, they heard the other man leave. 

He probably knew what they were doing, considering what other reason would you see someone on their knees in front of another person in a bathroom stall?

Hux waited until he heard the door shut completely, getting up. “Ren, what the fuck?!”

“I-I couldn’t stop!” he tried to defend. His face was flush from the orgasm, before he cracked a small smile. “You look rather good like that.”

“Fuck you,” Hux groaned. Not even waiting for Ren to pull up his pants, he unlocked the stall door and left, going to the sink and splashing his face with water. Trying to get the cooling cum off. 

“We should hurry before someone comes to check on the restrooms.” Ren told him, fastening his belt into place.

“This was a horrible idea.” Hux reminded Ren, seemingly content on having washed everything off his face and hair. He turned off the water, looking into the mirror. “Make yourself useful and get me a paper towel.” Hux demanded.

“Uh,” Ren started, Hux turning to him. Ren gave a smirk as he pointed to the exhilarator hand dryer on the wall. “Target’s are rather recycle conscious, Hux.”

“You’re shitting me.” Hux complained. “Give me your shirt then.”

“No way,” Ren responded. “Use your own shirt. Or use the dryer.” Ren smiled at the thought of Hux sticking his whole face under the dryer. 

“Fuck you, Ren. This is your fault.” Hux complained, walking up to Ren and grabbing his cowl and using that before Ren could protest. When Ren did pull away, Hux was mostly dry. Hand reaching up to slick his hair back, “Let’s just get the hell off this horrible planet already.”

Ren grumbled to himself as he fixed his cowl, following Hux out of the restroom door. They exitted immediately, thankful that the restrooms were located next to the front doors. They said nothing to one another as they made their shameful walk back to the shuttle, passing by the still destroyed car as they did. 

They found the pilot still sleeping, Ren nudging him awake to tell it was time to leave. The man took a second to wake up, before he started the shuttle and began their takeoff. Ren walked past Hux’s seat, the other man already strapped in and ready to go. Ren returned quickly with a box of the Darth Vader themed Cheez-Its, sitting down next to Hux. 

Hux turned to glare at Ren, obviously still upset about before. But he saw Ren holding the box out to him. Offering him an apology cheese snack. Hux continued his glare, before reaching into the box and grabbing a hand full. Ren reached his own hand into the box after, grabbing a few before munching away on them. Neither of them spoke the rest of the flight, just happy that their trip to Target was finally over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed this wild ride.
> 
> For the record, the blowjob scene was included because it's based on an event that actually happened at my store. I still wonder if they were shopping and decided to have a blow in the bathroom, or if they were in the area and decided it'd be a good idea. The world may never know.
> 
> Feel free to send me messages on my tumblr. I have way more crack ideas I want to write, as well as an actual (semi-serious) AU I hope to write and start posting within the week.

**Author's Note:**

> Please yell at me for writing this at http://tezzypants.tumblr.com/


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